Intrusive Thoughts

When your inner narrator is filling your head with negative thoughts.

These are the thoughts in my head

I have suffered more than any other person… Ever! That is the thought that gnawed away in my brain like a parasitic worm, trying to take control. This thought kept my awake and paralyzed on a carousel of doubt, self loathing, despair, and self-pity that eventually led me to a break through. I was coming up with examples of how and why I had suffered more so than anyone. Let's start with the biggest example my mind thought of…. Jesus. Yes, that Jesus. The Savorier of all mankind, who died on the cross to save us from our sins. My mind leapt to the conclusion I suffered more because, Jesus knew he was the Savorier and that was his purpose… I had no purpose! I had no meaning. Furthermore, I was alone and wasn't loved. Not only that, but I thought of random weird connections I had with recent famous people, like Nietzsche. I read the Nietzsche starved himself to death because the women he desired most(the initial reason for my distress) didn't love him back. So one of the great philosophers and thinkers gave in to loneliness, gave up. Yet, I continue to suffer! I haven't given up on suffering because, I'm still doing it. HaHa!!! Look at me, what a great sufferer I am! The best sufferer ever! Look at me!

So to break this down, I haven't suffered the most. Regardless of your stance on religion, Jesus arguably did suffer the most, and is a pretty good example of a way to find meaning in your life. As for Nietzsche there were a few other things going on in his life I imagine, and his thought process that contributed to his demise, his perceived distress over his love life, was probably a result of other factors. But I/we can all get these intrusive thoughts. Sometimes they are really, really intense, and you think the worst imaginable things. I needed to remember, though, these thoughts were not me. They are not you! It is very scary when you have them and when they take control of you like they did for me. Remember, there is that part of you still inside. The real you! Still, there, managing the intrusive bad thoughts. You know it is there because of the comparisons you are making, trying to prove the negative thought. YES, you can take hold of yourself. You DO get to choose the way you think about you. When a negative intrusive thought pops up, recognize it, but you don't have to succumb to it. Because when it does pop up, there is going to be a part of yourself that is managing how that thought is interpreted. That self deep inside that you can recognize the negative thought for what it is. You can, and will still have negative thoughts, they will happen. You can examine it, consider its value and worthiness, and choose to dismiss it. Let if float on by. You don't have to accept it. Please evaluate it, ponder it, if you must. But your true self will sense it as “alien”, that it does not belong to whom you really are. For me, the intrusive thought was telling me that self-pity, in its own, is not good. Self-care and self-love are better. Learning and reading about healthy ways to nourish that self-care is important. Wallowing in self-pity goes nowhere. I needed to recognize that I needed to change up my programming, reset my internal wiring. I am doing that every day. There were and will be many obstacles along the way, (good thing I've been reading a lot of ‘Stoic” literature.).

Be grateful and gentle with yourself, BUT be honest and demanding when you have sensed you have gone to far down the self obsessed pity rabbit hole

Be well,

Mark.